I am a good girl. A very good girl. I never ever break the rules. And if exceptionally for some unevitable reason I do break them, I feel extremely bad about it. If I am then treated as if were just another person, with a normal conscience, but not afraid to break rules now and then, I feel even worse.
A question comes to mind: Why aren’t there any rewards to being the good girl? If I weren’t so conscious about my conscience I wouldn’t worry about following the rules too strictly anymore.
Let me explain:
Yesterday I needed a room with a grand piano for my chamber music rehearsal. I got one in the main building. But than I noticed that the rehearsal wasn’t at 16:00 but at 18:00 (or 6PM, which is why I messed up in the first place). I was completely confused, arriving at the wrong time is one of my worst nightmares (I have light dyscalculia, and I hate misreading numbers). I felt really bad, even though I didn’t hurt anybody by coming early. I decided to keep the room and practice a bit, even though normally I don’t practice in the main building. Now I know why. When I came down at 17:30 the concierge had already gone home, so I couldn’t retrieve my student card anymore (which we need to give in order to get a practice room). In the other building we then used the pianist’s card to get a key.
This morning I was really worried, because how would they give me a practice room if I didn’t have my card. I calmed myself down by remembering that it’s happened to other people and the morning concierge is okay with the student giving some other form of identification, until the main building opens and they can retrieve their card.
Was I wrong… I explained my problem. The concierge looked at me with a “why are you asking me a stupid question?”-face. And then he said: “Well, you needed to have retrieved your card before 16:30 yesterday. How long do you study here? You should know that.” So that’s it? I have to wait until you unreasonable people open the other building?! Not only was I disappointed for not getting a practice room, I was furious for getting spoken to the way I was spoken to, to be treated as if I don’t have any rights, I hated the whole stupid system, and why do they have to be strict all of a sudden. I don’t understand. And I feel bad. Maybe I just should’ve gone later. I’ll never trust in the kindness of other people anymore.
I feel really bad. Because I don’t know if I really did something wrong. If they were right to treat me this way. And on the other hand I know I shouldn’t try to be perfect, because that’s impossible. And look were it’s getting me. Miss Perfect shouldn’t be falling apart like this about a stupid thing. Well, miss Perfect probably would’ve thought of retrieving her card on time.