I am, it’s true. I’m trying to find the motivation for the things I should be motivated for. I have tons of motivation and persistence, but for the wrong things. I started out this year with the motivation to succeed, to get my two master diploma’s at the end of this year. I felt it was going to be a great year. I knew it would be hard. When the study councelor asked me what my motivation was to do everything in one year, I told him having too much work motivated me, whereas if I had more time, I wouldn’t do much and just waste the extra year.
I still think that way. But as I decided to do something ‘out of the normal’ my teachers automatically supposed that I’d show some ‘out of the normal’ prestations. And that’s were our paths were divided. Because I evidently do everything my way.
I know that this way I will get the result I need, I will be ready for the exam, and I just need my teachers to trust in me. But they don’t. They still want real prestations, they want me to do as they want, they want me to be like this:
They want to see action. Right here, right now, not in May or June. Problem: when someone practically ‘orders’ me to do something, I know that my stubborn person will do exactly the opposite. I can’t help it! So here I am. After a week of holidays which were not really holidays. At least, they weren’t supposed to be holidays, I should’ve been working, and writing, and be able to show some results of my week. In stead, I’ve been feeling bad all week (a mixture of sadness, anger, frustration, nerviousness, and desperation). I’ve been telling myself to start working. I’ve started working without be able to concentrate, without any results. As the donkey running behind his carrot and NEVER catching it. I do have some results of this week, but not the kind that I can show in class. So here we are again, stressed and sad, knowing that the teachers will give me another “you won’t make it” speech. I need to start focusing on them again, in stead of doing things that make me feel happy. I should find the road between my way and the highway. This road is called motivation.