I’m having a bad day today, because I realised I have no self esteem left. And this realising is actually worse than just not having self esteem. Through the past year I came to accept myself the way I am, with all my little quirks. I was more confident about my qualities and learned that it was mostly just my perfectionism that made me feel worthless, because I set impossible standards for myself.
But then the jury members at my clarinet exam decided I’m not worth it after all. And that’s when I started doubting again. Because even though I still think I am worth it, I suppose that they look at me more objectively and see that I can’t set the same standards other students set.
Than there was that other teacher that, even though I got a decent grade on the exam, couldn’t resist telling me I should change my lazy attitude because that is not how I want my future student to be. This teacher was basically telling me I should be more perfectionist!
And now I can’t decide whether I think they are right or they just don’t see past my problems of underachieving and low self esteem. It can’t possibly be that a few months ago I was finally convinced I am extremely gifted and I even started to accept that I’m really that different from other people, and now they are making me believe I’m nothing more that a dumb girl who doesn’t know anything and doesn’t even try.
Having written this, I’m feeling a bit better already. I should stick to believing how much I’m worth, whatever others say of me, because they have no idea what’s behind all of my problems, how complicated it is to be me.