Please release me

I’m busy planning my move from Belgium to Spain (in the meantime my computer also died, so that’s why I haven’t been writing). But I’m starting to get the feeling that Belgium doesn’t want it’s ‘bright young minds’ to leave the country. Exact information on what to do when you are still living with your parents and are moving to another country to study and (hopefully) work is impossible to find.

Today I have been scanning the website of the ministry of exterior business again. They tell me I have to change my status to ‘temporarily absent’ while I haven’t decided if my move is permanent. If I get a job, that status is only valuable for one year and after that I have to make a decision as to stay in Spain or return to Belgium. But as long as I study and don’t have a job, I can keep my status of temporarily absent and keep my official adress at my mother’s house.  My mum, however, called city hall, and they said that this information is not true, and ‘temporarily absent’ means that I will be cancelled from the city’s habitants list. So I’m planning to go over there and tell them they are WRONG.

Meanwhile the exterior’s website got me to the website of the  Belgian embassy in Madrid, and there I found a pdf, in which there was a part telling about how to file for a residential permition in Spain. I even found the correct forms on the Spanish exterior website to fill in and hand in at my local police station in Spain. Finally something that’s working out fine.

Now I still need a job, a moving plan, a Spanish phone number, a new computer, and the programm of the classes I took at the conservatory in Brussels translated to English and with a stamp of the school in order to not have to do filling courses like choir and history of music again.

Ugh, I wish their was a standard procedure I could follow, a plan for graduates moving away from home and their country. Maybe that’s an idea for a page on the top of my blog: How to move from Belgium to Spain after graduation. I bet no one would read it, but still, the information should be somewhere.

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This thing I was supposed to do when I got back from the sea, writing my analysis paper… it’s not going so well. I keep finding more interesting things to do. And also, I start to do a lot of things, but I never finish anything. These holidays are like limbo to me: I’ve more or less finished at the conservatory, but I’m not yet in Spain to start my new adventure. And so like every summer I sit at home procrastinating. Except that this year I really do have a lot of things I still have to take care of. Ok, so maybe the limbo thing is just to not feel guilty. But I do have this every year in summer. I like routine very much, and without routine I’m a mess. I’ll be happy when September comes (unless I never finish that analysis paper, then I start freaking out September 1).


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Sea, sand, and a little sun

We went on a short holiday to Nieuwpoort (New Port), at the belgian coast. I’m not really a beach person, but luckily the weather obliged us to do other things too.

We tried spending some time with our feet in the sand the first day, but there was just a bit too much wind, so we just spent the day shopping.


And we finished with some mussels (not belgian, they’re late this year).


Still no beach weather on the second day, we went to visit Brugge (Bruges). In Flemish, bruggen are bridges, and the city is called Brugge because of the many bridges. The Spanish translation to Brujas, witches, is actually quite funny if you know the real meaning.

Brugge bruggen

Brugge water

Brugge concertgebouw

Back in Nieuwpoort the weather got better while we were away (my family used to kid that whenever I go to the beach the sun goes away and the wind begins to blow) and we still got to witness a beautiful sunset.



Our last morning we were in luck, although there was a lot of wind, the sky looked promising and we decided to go to the beach. Hidden behind the cabins to catch less wind we spent some time in the sun and than bathed with our feet in the see to cool off.


We had an Italian style lunch with very green olives.



And on our way home we stopped in Oostend (Ostend) for some more shopping, where I bought a jacket both for me and for my ereader.


I enjoyed my three days off, I did some shopping, I got some colour, and I’m ready to stop being lazy. Now that I renewed my energy, I decided that I will spend next week in Brussels working on my fugue analysis paper. I’ll let you know how that goes.

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Which esteem?

I’m having a bad day today, because I realised I have no self esteem left. And this realising is actually worse than just not having self esteem. Through the past year I came to accept myself the way I am, with all my little quirks. I was more confident about my qualities and learned that it was mostly just my perfectionism that made me feel worthless, because I set impossible standards for myself.

But then the jury members at my clarinet exam decided I’m not worth it after all. And that’s when I started doubting again. Because even though I still think I am worth it, I suppose that they look at me more objectively and see that I can’t set the same standards other students set.

Than there was that other teacher that, even though I got a decent grade on the exam, couldn’t resist telling me I should change my lazy attitude because that is not how I want my future student to be. This teacher was basically telling me I should be more perfectionist!

And now I can’t decide whether I think they are right or they just don’t see past my problems of underachieving and low self esteem. It can’t possibly be that a few months ago I was finally convinced I am extremely gifted and I even started to accept that I’m really that different from other people, and now they are making me believe I’m nothing more that a dumb girl who doesn’t know anything and doesn’t even try.

Having written this, I’m feeling a bit better already. I should stick to believing how much I’m worth, whatever others say of me, because they have no idea what’s behind all of my problems, how complicated it is to be me.

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E.T. phone home

It’s been long since I logged in here. And my visits won’t increase much in the coming months. 10 weeks to be exact. In 10 weeks and 2 days I will hopefully have finished my time as a student (for now). It’s been a long seven years. And then, real life is waiting for me. But more about that when it’s due. For now, I just want to apologize in advance for not writing while I try to cope with the work and the stress ahead of me. I’m doing fine, just so you know. Here are some photos to keep you up to date (although there’s absolutely no continuity in my photo making).

First there was snow:

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And more snow:

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Than one day when I was at home enjoying the snow, I had an extreme urge to play clarinet. I had left mine in Brussels, in case I should slip and fall in the snow. But I found my old clarinet in the closet, which had an old mouthpiece (of which I thought it was in Brussels) and a box of reeds (which I thought I’d lost forever) in the case. So I made my own ligature with some kitchen rope:

2013-04-04 00.16.22

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Then let’s not forget the beautiful full moon:

2013-03-26 23.30.43

And my beautiful new shoes:

2013-04-04 00.14.22

And that’s about it, now it’s back to my books. See you!

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The art of deduction

What I learned from my coach:

If I ask a question and the answer doesn’t seem to be the answer to my question, that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me or I’ve asked a really dumb question or something. Maybe the other person just doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t know the answer, and just tells me something about something similar that he does know. But probably I’m just not at the same wavelength as them, and I should try to reformulate my question.

It’s not my fault, it’s my uniqueness that makes it go wrong so often. So I try to adapt, without blaming myself and thinking I can’t do anything as I should. I’m learning to deduce from a person’s reaction what my next step should be, how I should react. It’s an active chain of deduction and reaction. Social interaction is becoming a fun game to me.

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Fish on the windowsill

I don’t know if it was done on purpose, but this is what I saw on the windowsill of my practice room:

2013-02-25 20.20.51

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Music, maestro!

What did I do all week? Rehearsing. With maestro Heinz Holliger. A great experience. Even though I only had to play in one piece, I stayed for most of the rehearsals, just to experience the maestro at work. The concert on Wednesday was a wonderfull way to end this interesting orchestra project.

Heinz Holliger

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A drive in the wrong direction

Wrong motivation

I am, it’s true. I’m trying to find the motivation for the things I should be motivated for. I have tons of motivation and persistence, but for the wrong things. I started out this year with the motivation to succeed, to get my two master diploma’s at the end of this year. I felt it was going to be a great year. I knew it would be hard. When the study councelor asked me what my motivation was to do everything in one year, I told him having too much work motivated me, whereas if I had more time, I wouldn’t do much and just waste the extra year.

I still think that way. But as I decided to do something ‘out of the normal’ my teachers automatically supposed that I’d show some ‘out of the normal’ prestations. And that’s were our paths were divided. Because I evidently do everything my way.

My way

I know that this way I will get the result I need, I will be ready for the exam, and I just need my teachers to trust in me. But they don’t. They still want real prestations, they want me to do as they want, they want me to be like this:

Kip zonder kop

They want to see action. Right here, right now, not in May or June. Problem: when someone practically ‘orders’ me to do something, I know that my stubborn person will do exactly the opposite. I can’t help it! So here I am. After a week of holidays which were not really holidays. At least, they weren’t supposed to be holidays, I should’ve been working, and writing, and be able to show some results of my week. In stead, I’ve been feeling bad all week (a mixture of sadness, anger, frustration, nerviousness, and desperation). I’ve been telling myself to start working. I’ve started working without be able to concentrate, without any results. As the donkey running behind his carrot and NEVER catching it. I do have some results of this week, but not the kind that I can show in class. So here we are again, stressed and sad, knowing that the teachers will give me another “you won’t make it” speech. I need to start focusing on them again, in stead of doing things that make me feel happy. I should find the road between my way and the highway. This road is called motivation.


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My clumsiness cost me €4!!! Last week I wanted to print the worksheet I preparated for my music initiation class. I tried to put the usb-cable of my printer into my laptop blindly. It didn’t enter. I turned it around, thinking I must have had it in my hand upside down after all. It didn’t enter. I turn it around again and look at the site of laptop to make sure that I’m really putting in the usb-connection. It still doesn’t enter. So I look at the usb and it’s totally deformed! You know, the cable is sometimes hanging on the floor. If I’m in a rush, I don’t bother to put it back in place. And yes, sometimes I stumble upon in. I usually don’t wear shoes at home, and as I’m not exactlye heavy, stepping on a cable does not do any harm, just to my foot. So I guess I must have stepped on it with my shoes on, supposedly shoes with heels. I feel really stupid. But I found a new cable at Mediamarkt, and I’m all good to print again.

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